Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve – or how our brains can sometime be less than helpful
Your inner critic can be loud and not altogether positive.
Shutterstock ID: 1400980730 by El Nariz
I was talking to one of my coaching clients over the weekend who had had a pretty tough time of things over the last twelve months (they have given me permission to share this). But he’d been feeling much better lately and said to me that he is looking at the lockdown like a “New Year’s Resolution Test” – all the things he said he would do, if he didn’t do them in this unique period then he would kick himself for the rest of his life. When I questioned him what was behind this drive – he said that he should be using this time valuably and he ought not to waste it.
I am sure he is not alone in that. I have seen a neverending stream of articles and social media posts urging us to learn a new skill at this time or to fill our days with activities “to make the most of the opportunity”. And I am definitely not against learning new skills or making the most of opportunities. My issue arose with his use of the word “should”.
A couple of years ago my thinking was dominated by “shoulds”: “I should be getting this promotion”, “I should be working harder”, “I should be doing something useful on this Sunday afternoon” or its equally subversive cousin, “I could have done that better”.
Like most of the constructs in our mind, “should” comes from a place of positivity - it’s the voice of our inner critic urging us on to better things and to be the best person we can be and can be a great mental motivator. The problem is when it is becomes all powerful and drives down all of the possible voices in our mind (we all have them – it’s fine to admit it). The inner critic is by its nature critical (see what I did!) and judgmental and the original positive intention eventually gets overwhelmed with a feeling that nothing can ever being good enough.
“Should” still gets me from time to time but I have spent a lot of time noticing it when it arises and I am much more aware of when it happens in my own thoughts now. When I do notice it, I generally try and ask myself whether I want to do something or whether I need to do it – rather than accepting that I should be doing it. That takes a little of its power and most of its judgment away.
I also try and tap into another voice we all have, but which is often much quieter and less demonstrative, the inner coach. This is a far more accepting and supportive voice that is your internal cheerleader. It’s a much more supportive voice, and accepts that not everything you do will be world class all of the time – in direct contrast to the inner critic. Just accepting this internal voice that accepts you for who you are can be a massive pressure release.
This isn’t my attempt to tell you what you should be doing during this most strange of times – that would be the height of hypocrisy. If you are trying to mix working from home and schooling children (sidebar – I have absolutely no idea how you guys are doing it but you have my utmost admiration for getting through it) and are exhausted at the end of every day - no-one else is judging you for not reading a classic novel a week. If you need to take a moment, or an hour to get a bit of peace and quiet to recharge and recentre then no-one else is judging you for not being at 100% for 100% of the time. And if you do want to learn a new skill then go ahead, pick up a paintbrush or whatever and enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with any of that.
Just be aware that the inner critic in our brain can, and does, get a little over eager only too readily and much of the pressure you may be feeling to “make more of this time” may not be coming from a helpful place. If you are feeling judged or any sort of pressure that is making you stressed or sad, take a moment to ask yourself where it is coming from. What is right for one won’t be right for another – and all the urging or expectation to do more, whether external or internal, whether it is from social media posts from people in wholly different personal circumstances or from your own inner critic, is unlikely to be appropriate for you and where you are now. But if you can at least be aware of that pressure and realise where it is coming from you may be able to diminish its impact on you.
As to my coaching client after we explored what was driving his thinking about what he “should” do during lockdown – he went away still with the intent to get into some of the things he had always wanted to do – just not all of them and with a mindset of enjoyment rather than a need for perfection. A much more manageable and less pressured approach.
